Department of Yam Affairs

(Based on Twixt Heaven and Hell - Jack Burgess )

(http://www.lazybeescripts.co.uk/Sketches/Twixt_Heaven_and_Hell.htm)

Performed on Stage on 19^th January, 2008 at CA-ITC, Hyderabad Campus

Credits:

Concept: Sumeet Sahu
Scripts: Sumeet Sahu & Rohit Vyas

Dialogues contribution: Actress (Ishrat Aziz); Gangster (Rohit Vyas) ; IT Pro ( Sumeet Sahu) ; Receptionist ( Suvarna ); Yamaraj ( Manoj Jain)

Sounds: Srikanth

Team : Hari (Lights), Ishrat ( Actress, Sunami), Manoj (Yamaraj), Rohit (Gangster, Pappu Pager), Srilatha (Voicemail Voice), Sumeet (IT Pro, Swami Venkatnathan Aaiyapa Mundri Candra Raman), Suvarna (Receptionist)

Special Thanks to :

BSO Fun Activity Team, CA-ITC, Hyderabad

CA Annual Holiday Party Committee–2008,CA-ITC,Hyderabad

Characters:

Ganster (Pappu pager): Rohit Vyas; A Mumbai Gangster with the Mumbai accents.
IT Pro (swami venkatnathan aaiyapa mundri chandra raman) : Sumeet Sahu; A simple South Indian IT professional guy.
Actress (Ms Sunami) : Ishrat Aziz ; Famous Indian Actress, who likes make-ups.
Receptionist : Suvarna ; A typical receptionist with South Indian Accents.
Yamraj (yummu) : Manoj Jain ; A Mythological Yamaraj Figure.

Script:

(Full blackout.)

Back Ground Voice:

Yeh duniya hain ki Suwarg ki tareef karte thakti nahi,

Par hain humare teen dost, Narq ki chahat mithi nahi,

Agar humhi batade sabh kuch tho maaja rahega kya?

Aage aage dekhiye, hota hain kya?

(Lights on.)

(Focus on 3 folks sitting to left side of the stage. One receptionist in the centre busy with makeup and phone call.)

(Three characters sitting are actress, IT pro, gangster)

Gangster: arre baap kitna lagayengee yeh chhamiyan.

Oye madam kitna time lagaogee?

Receptionist: Uffo!!!!! {interrupt}

Aaj kal ye Dead Peepal ko bhi Shanthi nahi he!!!!!!!!! {irritate}

Aap logon ne Form Bhar liya kya ????? {irritate} (while talking on the phone)

All: nahin!

(Receptionist shows three forms on the table. Gangster and IT pro takes one-one each form. Then IT pro takes another and gives it to Actress with a lovely smile. Actress also smiles back and take the form.)

Gangster: Yeh kaisa form hain??!!

Receptionist: Pehle dekh Tho Lo !!!! {irritate}

Sablog Apni Akkal Dharti pe chod ke aaye hei !! {irritate}

(IT pro is at once on the task (as usual) and the other two are at the end of their wits.)

Actress: excuse me! (shyly and politely)

IT pro: yesss

Actress: Could you please help me fill the form……………

IT pro: Ya!! You have to write you name here then you have to choose this…..

Actress: Aap hi plz bhardijiye na!!!

IT Pro: ya ya why not…why not J

(sets and mends his appearance, preening gestures)

IT pro (also fills her form and says): Done now J

Gangster: oye chirkutt…….chhamiyan ka to form bhar diya abhee apun ka bhee bhar nahin to dunga kharcha pani yaheen par………!@#$$%

IT Pro (shaking): haan bhai…..maine kab manaa kiya hai………..jaisa tum bolo.

(The poor IT pro also has to fill the gangster’s form…)

(Everyone submit their forms at the receptionist’s desk.)

(Receptionist kept the phone down and looked at them……)

Receptionist: Ab sab log Line Se beit Jaavo!!!!

(Sitting order: actress-IT pro-Gangster)

Receptionist (while reading the first form in hand): Ha Miss Zunaami ...How did u gum hereeeeeee ????

Actress: Sakal se!!!

Receptionist: Kadavale!!!!!!!! mera Matlab ,,,.Marrreee Kaisi ??

Actress (typical heroine type latka jhatka): ya you know that I am a renowned actress and mukje apne role mein pooree tarah se ghus jaane ki adaat hai! You know that I am a perfectionist. (pause) aapko pata hee hoga meree last blockbuster hit movie, “Hum Code Likh Chuke sanam”………

Receptionist: Oh sharaabee Brogramar ka Role ,,....I Remember!!!!!!!!!!

Actress: Lekin maine uske liye maine khub sharaab pee thee……..just to live and feel the role!

Meree aglee aane waali movie mein mujhe zehar khaana thha…….so to live and feel the role……..maine zehar khaa liya……aur…………….!!!

Receptionist (interruts the actress): Ab ye Feelingu Kaise lag raha hei???????

Actress:ohhhhhh…..wowwww bahut accha lag raha hai…….mera Director; Mr. Charan Jokar, bahut khush honge.

Receptionist: Haan haan!!! he was zo zad that u r dead ....and he came behind u !!!!

Actress: ohh sacheeeeee… kya main unse mil saktee hun?

Receptionist: Haan Kyon nahi !!, He also in Nark...and U also in Nark ...shame to shame.

Receptionist: Chalo...Next Bleez!!!!

(Now the IT pro stand at his place……..)

Receptionist: (when actress was about to leave): Chalo...Next Bleez!!!!

Actress: you know!!! Ye Bhutia Parlour…So slow….

Receptionist: Accha!!!

(IT pro now comes to her and sits at the other chair.)

Receptionist: Haa tho Sir Swami Venkatt .....

South Indian !!!

IT Pro: Namaskaram!!!....swami venkatnathan aaiyapa mundri chandra raman…..or you can call me as raman also…

Receptionist; Sir Raman !!!

Aaap ki life tho Set thee .... Suicide!!! (while looking into the computer and form)

Ayyo Ramaa!!!! Whyyyiii ??

IT Pro: Kya bataoo abh mein!! Pichale 2 mahine se code likh raha tha…aur thik delivery se pahale hard disk crash hogaye!!..tho kya!! Fhir manager ne meri watt laga di!!

Itna hi nahi… meri team jo meri Girl Friend thi..usse bhi mujhe chood dia…!! Abh sucide nahi karta tho kya karta…

Receptionist: Arre Murkh , Agar Tumne "Harvest" use kiya hota....

Na Aaj teri Girlu Friendu jaathi..

Na tu Moo Latkaaye Kade Hothe....

Jaavo Jaavo…

(IT Pro goes back and sits in his chair, by giving very nice smile to the actress.)

Receptionist: Next Bleez !!!!!!

(Gangster (Pappu Pager) was not listening to him. And he is still sitting at his place.)

Receptionist: Oye Pappu!!! Idhar aavo!!

Gangster: oye item…….awaz neeche rakh……….Pappu pager ke saamnein kiseeki boltee nahin chaltee hai!!! @#$%

Receptionist (seeing his audacity) : Aur mere Saamne Dead Peepal ka Zubaan nahi chalthi !!

Chup chaap yaha Beit jaa……..

(After looking into the form and computer.)

Receptionist: Tume Heaven jaana Hein !!!

Gangster (perplexed) :hain?? Heaven………oye chhamiyan……..tere dimaag ka dahee banela hai kya………bhai ko swarg bhejegee??? Apun kii reputation ka sawal hai……jayenga to apun naraq mein hee ………..chamka kya!!!

Receptionist Kyon Pager bhai….Aise kya kiya Narq Jaavoge!!!

Nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaja..Apni System Information ko Dekho….

2 Politician Maare hei…Yeh tho Puny ki kaam hei!!!

Tum jaise 10 Pappu bhi ho jaaye!!

Desh ka Kalyan ho jaayega!!!!

Gangster: arre bhai uske pehle jo maine hafta wasooliee..logon ko uthaana-tapkaana kiya uska kya??

Receptionist: Politician ko maar ke saare paap dhul gayee……….lekin main fir bhee tumharee request ke bare mein sochungee!!..............ab jaao apnee jagah par. Arey !! Politician ko maarke tera saare paap dhul gaye!!

Teek hei Teek hei!! Fir bhee mei tere bare me sochungeeee!!

Ab jaavo..Seat par!!

(Now Receptionist is working hard on her system. She bangs her head and as there is an enormous issue glaring at them. She picks her phone and dials to the Yamaraj…….)

Voicemail from the background: You have reached the voicemail of Yamaraj reception center. Your call is imp to us and may be recorded for training purpose.Pl select from the following options:

• Press 1 if you just died.
• Press 2 if u are in process of dying.
• Press 3 if u feel like dying after eating food made by your spouse.
• Press 4 if you have just been forced to watch “kyonki chhachh bhee kabhee dahee thee!!!”

Or else…please hold for eternity.

Receptionist: Yammu Darling….I know ur there!!!

Bleez…..bick up the Phone ….. Yellow!!!

Yamaraj:hi babe……….wassup……..howz the dead life goin on J

Receptionist: Kya yaar…….Life is As usual u kno…. . “Deadly”

Yamaraj: aur is weekend kya kar rahee ho……..aatee kya kabristaan……

Receptionist :Teek hei..Sochungee….. Waise bhee…Ek Problem hei..usko tho Solve karo!!!

Yamaraj: haan bolo………abhee chutkee mein solve karte hain…..

Receptionist: Yahaan..Mere paas 3 Murden beite hei…Teenon ko..Narq hee jaana hei..

Vacancy tho sirf 1 keliye hei????

Yamaraj: arre load mat lo……..sabko mere paas bhejo….abhee sabse ek-ek sawal puchhunga……..jo jeeta uska banega mukadar ka chuchundar aur jayega naraq ke andarr ..

Receptionist (to all): Jis Jisko Narq jaana hei..Yamraj ke paas jaayiye!!!

Gangster: Apun ke reputation ka sawaal hain…Jaiga tho apun Narq hi!!! Kya!!!

Then he stands up and moved ahead and stand there.

Actress: Jaaha Charan Joker, waha main!!!

(Actress moved a little distance, but the stopped and looks back toward IT pro and says….)

Actress: Aap nahi challenge??!!!

(IT pro makes no comment but start walking behind her as if he is possessed by her beauty.)

(Light goes dim!! And Yamaraj makes and entry with focus light on him!!)

Yamaraj: Hahahahahahahah (typical laughter)

(Yamaraj walks and looks at each one of them. This three people are standing in line. First is Actress then IT Pro then Gangter. Yamaraj stand in-front of actress who is 5 feet tall and yamaraj is 5’ 11” so he neel down to see her face to face and laugh in comedian style. Then he moves left where IT pro is standing who is 6’ 2” tall so he was reaching his cheat with that neeling position, so he stand up to see his face. IT pro gets some scared. Then Yamaraj gain moves to left where Gangster is standing. But Gangster scared him away. And so Yamraj says….)

Yamaraj: Darana nahi Darana nahi!!! Hum Yam hain…Hum Yam hain!!!

Yamraj: admee 3 aur jagah 1…..bahut nainsafee hai……..

Milega sabh ko mauka milega…

chalo sabse ek-ek sawal……..chat jawab…pat narq J

All: (applauding the arrangement)……..theek hai theek hai…….Yamaraj amar rahein!!!

Yamaraj: Haan tho pahale koon aayega??

(Both IT pro and gangster try to go first buy Yamaraj says…)

Yamaraj: Nahi!!! Pahale Miss Sunami…Ladies First!!!

(Yamaraj goes at his desk where Receptionist also standing. He gives his gada to her, which she was not able to lift. Thus she falls because of it.)

Yamaraj: Haan tho Ms Sunami…Kya aap taiyaar hain…

Actress: Wait a sec!!

(She takes out her make-up kit out of her purse and does some make-up on her face….)

Yamaraj: yaha bhi make-up!!!

Actress: Haanji!! Maintain karna padta hain!!!

Yamaraj: offff….. Haan tho miss sunami … Naraq main jaane k liye aapka swaal …..

“Six pack” kahan hote hain?

A) Bag mein b) Pet mein c) Sandwich mein d) Makeup box mein?

Haan tho bataiye…Ms Sunami….kya hain aapka jaawab?

Actress: Six Pack!!! Six Pack!!! Six Pack!!

Yamraj: Yeh kya tha!!!

Actress: Kya Yamraj!! Aap sash Bahu k serials nahi dekhte!!! Sara squeal kharab kar dia!!

Actress: Chalo koi bath nahi !!! Six Pack tho haldi kumkum ka koi pack lagta hain…

(Yamaraj beating his head)

Yamaraj: are you sure??

Actress: ji!!! Lagta hain aapko pata nahi!! Meri bath maniye, 6 din main nikhar jayenge!! Waise abhi aap mere option d lock kar sakte hain….

Yamaraj: Mr Computer jii… option d lock kar dijiye

(A big sound comes from back ground)

Yamaraj: ohhh!! Ms Sunami ..mujhe bataana hoga ki abhi aapne apnee sujh bujh ka sabut diya aur yeh jawaab…………………GALAT HAI @#$.........sahee jawab thha……PET MEIN!!!

Actress: naheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Yamaraj: Moving ahead………next contestant…..Mr. gangster Pappu Pager…….agla sawal appko……………

Gangster: haan be………bak de jaldee…..

Yamraj: Aare Papu tum bilkul nahi badale!!

Gangster: Tho kya!! Apun dharti par bhi bhai aur yaha par bhi bhai….Chamka kya??!!

Yamaraj: Pata nahi kya hoga Narq ka!!

Yamaraj: Accha Papu aapka sawal….13.13…….13......milke kya banta haii???

Aapke option hain:

• 13
• 39
• 2197
• None of the above

Gangster:…..chaiyyla…….kya ruldu sawal puchhela hai yar……abe gali ka baacha baacha jaanta hain ki…13 13 13 suroor hota hain…apne dhimesh simaiya ka gana hai….

Kya mammu…. Tune nahi suna kya?? Chal apun ka answer d) None of the above

Yamaraj: Computerji…inke suroor k lia ….d ko lock kijiye…

( A Big sound comes from back side)

Yamaraj:Pappu tumhara jawab bhi tumare tarha Dhakaan nikala….Sahi jawaab hain b 39

(pappu is seen banging his head in depression)

Yamaraj: Chaliye last contestant………Mr SVAMC Raman…offfff…

IT Pro: Swami Ventaknathan Aayapa Mundri Chandra Raman….

Yamaraj: Ye kya sirf aapka naam hain??

IT Pro: Ji!! Maine tho aapna Surname dala bhi nahi…Aapke form main jagha nahi thi!!

Yamraj: Thank God!!! Bach gaye….

Yamaraj:.haan tho…MR SVC dot dot……aapka sawal…Kya aap Movies dekte hain??

IT Pro: Haan Bahut!!

Yamraj: Aur Gajnikant ki movies??

IT Pro: Gajnikant mere favorite actor hain J

Yamraj: hmmm tho aapka sawal ………Gajnikanth ko apnee film mein 2 gundon ko marne ke liye kitnee goliyan lagtee hain?

• 3 goliyan
• 2 goliyan
• 1 goli
• Ya fir Gajnikanth munh se bandook ki awaz nikalenge aur donon gunde mar jayenge.

(IT Pro is thinking hard………………………………calculating something in the mind with fingers)

IT Pro: As per the requirement and resources available……….2 admi tho 2 goliya lagegi….par 50% buffer k saath 3 goliya……..islia mera answer hain a) 3 goli

Yamraj: Yaha par bhi buffer!!??

IT Pro: Haan !! Lagana padta hain…

Yamaraj: Are you sure?

IT Pro: Yes

Yamaraj: Computerji……plz option B ko lock kar dijiye.

(Computer makes a sound and locks the answer.)

Yamaraj: afffsosssss……………..galat jawab………kya yar………zindagee bhaar code kiya………gajnikanth ke movies dekhee hee nahin? Kya mila code karke?????

IT Pro: Kya milaa code karke…………………………………………….

(He stands and walks towards the audience and says the following sentiment charged lines)

“Ek Line code ki keemat tum kya jaano Yam Babu?

Ishwar ka ashirwaad hota hai ek Line code

Developer ke sar ka taj hota hai ek Line code

Har bench resource ka khwaab hota hai ek Line code”

(Actress and gangster started clapping)

Yamaraj: Wah!! Kya dialogue mara… dil khus kardia….Challooo tum hi winner..tum jaa sakte ho narq….

(Yamaraj comes with a garland and put it across the IT pro’s neck.)

IT Pro: Thanq Thanq….

(Yamaraj started taking him to back stage .But IT Pro stops in middle and says…)

IT Pro: Yamraj Babu!! Kya main audience se last bar kuch kaha du??

Yamaraj: haan !! Ku nahi!!

(IT Pro walks back again toward the audience and says.)

IT Pro: Software Engineer jeetha hain haar jang, Jindagi k saath bhi Jindagi k baad bhi!! Software Engineer jaisa koi nahi…..

(Black Out)

***************THE END ***************

Photos:

Team on Stage!!!

Team at Back Stage: (From Left) Srilatha, Suvarna, Sumeet, Ishrat, Manoj Jain, Rohit

More Photos from CA Annual Holiday Party - 2008

eSnips : Download problem solved

[ Referred from some other's blog]

An easy way to dupe eSnips into letting all users to download mp3 files freely. I posted a few tips & tricks to download music files, button or no button. After posting these tips I was still uncertain whether all users would go as far as searching the Cache of Internet Explorer or even downloading Flashget and follow the instructions given in the post.

As most of us are not techies or for that matter even computer savvy, I pursued in my quest to find an easier way out and make things easier for fellow eSnippers. At last I discovered a big security lapse at the eSnips server.

Now as you open an user's music folder you need to click on the music file you want to play. I presume that most of you want that file to play in a new window but many of you just click the link and the player opens up in the same window. In both the cases the window will look like the image given below :

As you can see the URL in the Internet Explorer or Firefox address bar looks like this :

http://www.esnips.com/doc/41b2572e-dbe7-488f-ade5-6b1eeedb8fbe/Salam-e-ishq

Now click your mouse in the address bar itself and change doc (after http://www.esnips.com/) to nsdoc and remove the name of the file (including the slash), in this case : /Salam-e-ishq. Your modified URL in the address bar will now look like this (you may check out this trick by clicking on the following URL ):

http://www.esnips.com/nsdoc/41b2572e-dbe7-488f-ade5-6b1eeedb8fbe

Now just press Enter. Lo and behold your file is ready for download. No need for downloading Flashget or searching fervently for your needed file in the ever bloated Internet Explorer Cache.

You will see this window after you press Enter :

This window will inadvertently remind you of the good-old-days of the green download button and may drive you to nostalgia. Just click on Save and watch your mp3 being downloaded as before.

Good old downloading days are here again .... till eSnips catches up with this too.

Please comment here for your feedback!!!

I never take risk while drinking

[From a forward mail]

I never take risk while drinking

When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking

I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen

I stealthily enter the house

Take out the bottle from my black cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame

But still no one is aware of it

Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink

Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack

Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard

Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile

I peep into the kitchen Wife is cutting potatoes

No one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk

I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage

Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her

I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard

But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle

I take out the glass from the old rack above sink

Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink

Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much

Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse

I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard

But the cupboard's place has automatically changed

I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink

Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly

I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it

in the black cupboard

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that again, I

will cut your tongue...!

Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...

I take out the bottle from the potatoes

Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg

Wash the sink and keep it over the rack

Wife is giving a smile

Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!

Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...

I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack

Stove is also on the rack

There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside

I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink

But none of the horses are aware of what I did

Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk

Iyer is still cooking

And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing Becoz I never take what???

My First Volvo travel !!!

I was going to Bangalore to meet my college buddies after a very long time.

When I used to live in Assam, We usually take "super deluxe" bus for Guwahati. And so as I was booking ticket for Bangalore, it reminded me my Assam's days.

Thus, while booking my ticket, I insisted for seat near window and so they promised me for that. It put me in surprise to know that it cost 700 buck from Hyderabad to Bangalore!!! God knows why they are charging so much?! May be it is again because of IT impact for Hyderabad and Bangalore. All IT professionals are accused of price hike in these cities. And I hope all government employee at these place will feel honor to kill IT professionals anytime.

On the day of my journey, I took MMTS till Hyderabad Station and the bus stop was a walk able distance from station. Peacefully, I reached 2 hrs before the scheduled departure. While waiting, I was browsing and listening songs on my cell.

After some time I asked the bus-wala chap about my seat (just to confirm). And what!!! They gave me non-window seat. And that really pissed me off!!!

I told him that they promised for the window seat, so how can they give some other seat!!! That person tried to console me and asked how it matters if it is window seat or not. It is a night journey and you won’t get any view outside. To defend myself, I explained that I have absolute no problem with it, but I am little bit uncomfortable in bus journey. So I shouldn't be blamed of something come out of me there (I hinted them that I may puke in bus). And on my comment, he gave me a frown and said that in that case window seat is not good enough. I too gave him a double frown for this. I pestered him again for window seat. He told me that he will try to arrange me a window seat but can't promise. In any case, I had no choice, so I get agreed.

After half an hour, this bus came up, and one of them escorted us to the exact location from where we are supposed to take the bus. In bus, I found that some other person was seating on my place and there is no one on his window side. The person, who escorted me till bus, asked me to seat on the window seat. Actually the person sitting on my place was confused with the seating number. He tried to confirmed it with me and I made him fool (that what I think!!!) by saying that even I don't know about the sitting arrangement. My agent told me that this is my seat.

I was damn happy to get the window seat. After Assam, I was having a trip in bus after a very long time. I like window seat because of the fresh air coming from window and I can even peek outside. So I thought of opening the window. I was searching for its handle. But by my surprise!! There was no handle!!! In fact, window can't be open!! This really surprised me!! And then only I started feeling that there is somewhat little cold inside the bus. It took me no time to understand that this is an AC bus.

Suddenly the image of frowned Bus-wala came in front of me. And I realized why he was frowning and trying hard to convince that window seat is not good if I want to bum. And why they were charging so much. It is not because of IT, it is because of AC. I laughed on me, pulled my chair back and get relaxed to enjoy my ever first travel in VOLVO.